Underneath the belief that I'm not possessive
Behind the face, which keeps smiles in front
The need for passion lives around
Surrounding my denied desire for devotion
Screaming for attention as it grows within my brain
I reject from his affection and hide below
Around me he loves, but I'm one of many
Inside I wish fervently while outside I play passively
Murder
*an effort to mimic suburban youth*
Echoes of your sigh infusing me like a virus
Stealing my air and destroying my life
Formaldehyde inhaled after my desperate plea
With pains, without strength
Efforts to cut myself cannot pull through
Wishing words were bursts of lies
Reality released a dam of cries
My soul dwells on my life's last relevance
Pale from actualization's absence
Covered by shadows of her temporary smile
Tied to your coffin, vacuumed of spirit
Rejecting any wisps of opportunity
Using my last Joule to murder truth
Closing my eyes to feel death seduce
Secrets create detours for enemies
Enemies rob rights to become strong
Victims boxed, injected by guilt
Mistakes murder me
Mother drops me off for a journey I must make alone.
Late, I stand in the back doorway looking at the front right
where Joseph's Daughter sat every Sunday and Holy Obligation.
Growing up with my father's name and his approachable power
While my mother's voice soared over the parish could not get easier.
Leaving all this behind to stand in the cold corner generated
An abyss of guilt, fears, trembles and tears.
From my processed hair to my cold, hurt hands,
Changes on the outside compare not within.
My voice hides shamefully under a dark mask.
As I reflect on my past and others' I have affected,
I refrain from ritual motions and mute myself in the back.
Believe that this faith inside is dying yet alive.
Like his divine designation, my brother accompanies me,
Realizing his past sins without feeling loss.
His gift of nonchalance is his waterproof coating on his wings.
He, too, swam too far into the ocean to discover nothing new.
Cleanse me, I beg, for my mind, spirit, and talents vanish behind
This curtain of black blood that turns my existence into a shadow.
After I step onto blessed grounds, my framed self-portrait shatters,
Sending glass pieces through my guilt-heavy heart.
In pain I silently scream inside as a tear from my right eye falls.
Look at me, with my trailing blood and scarred chest.
Look into my stronger eye, which sucks it up and smiles at you.
To you my easy-to-fake white smile easily fools, but
My glimmering dark eye holds back poisonous tears to save you.
Go ahead and derive joy from flashes of my smile, and
Neglect that pleading gaze as a tear from my left eye falls.
No, let me help you and attempt to brighten your day when
My insides and emotions are in great need of intensive care.
I can hold my open wound while I give you cool water.
I will bite my lip when your little crush fails to content your heart.
On the ground, I resist asking you to acknowledge my suffering.
Faithfully waiting, I pray that you will become gentle, merciful, and just.
Though knowing that my friends are pointing at me, I do not bother to look.
I cannot see what surrounds me if a storm of tears from both eyes fall.
By Myself A Cappella
...You didn't ask for much that one time I saw you.
Yes, only once, but a promise we did make.
While I hoped for a reason, you gave me air
And held up your pinky to intertwine with mine...
Hold up that hand and take mine too.
Do you always leave when someone loves you?
Settle with "Hello" when you want to kiss me.
You think I'll be there when, finally, you miss me?
I gambled all I had when players were cheating;
I believed in you without reason for believing.
I planted my feet as a gust of wind carried,
but naivity told me whom I had to marry.
Look up to Heaven and see me with you.
Who was The One you were afraid to pursue?
Take what I give. I'll farewell with a smile.
If only you knew, it's been too long a while.
You told me that I had not changed and
that I looked a little more like a woman.
I shared with you only a part of my future
before you asked for my pinky to swear my word.
Hold me down and tie me up,
for my declaration was far too abrupt.
Oh, talk to everyone else about your crush on Anne Marie,
then wait for my initiative to barely admit it to me.
You asked for A, but I knew you wanted B.
"Don't do X" "because I'm afraid of what I'll see."
Maybe you were scared of someone else with me together,
or If you fear my death, remember: I live forever!
I am sorry, for I have changed
to learn... Now I'm drained...
When you come back to knock on my door,
I'll be gone. I'll be yours no more...
I"ll keep what you wanted in disguise,
to keep living till the sun dies.
Another word I will give from me:
to be there when you desperately need.
I promise.